Me This Morning, or The Sad State of A Mother Suffering from Sleep Deprivation and the Aftereffects of T-box.

Well, crap. I need to get up to go swimming. But darn it, my eyes won't open. Ok, ok, I'm up. Wait a second....why do we have a ladder instead of stairs? Hold it....is this a dream? (opens eyes) Yep, there's my pillow. That was a dream. Ok, I'm really going to get up now. Feet on the floor, I'm walking, walking, going up the stairs....hold the phone! These stairs, they don't stop! I'm in our inaccessible attic! How the hell did that happen? Wait a second, I think I know what's happening here. Yep, there's my pillow again. Still a dream. Ok, FOR REAL I'm going to get up now. Yes, yes, I can feel my body getting out of bed, boy am I stiff. Going up the stairs, here's the kitchen...wait a minute, I didn't know Laural was coming over! And why did she put all my feminine hygine products in the sink? Ok, now I'm pissed. I REALLY thought I was awake that time.

This happened, kid you not, about ten times before I actually got up. And I was seriously mad about it.

I eventually made it to the pool.

Random thoughts from the blur

Random thoughts to sum up the past few weeks...

1. When your husband is a lawyer, life sort of sucks when he has a trial.

2. It is entirely possible that Caroline has a "Cry" button on the bottom of her right foot.

3. One cup of caffinated coffee after a 5 year break sure packs a punch!

4. Target is not just a store....It's a destination. Now, if they only had a play area adjacent to a bar from which t-box juice flowed freely, I'd be all set.

5. When your three-year-old says loudly in Target, "Mom! Wouldn't it be awesome if we could just stay here forever? We could eat PEOPLE!" and then starts laughing maniacally, you may get some strange looks.

6. When you smell poop in the Target parking lot, it's best to not investigate. Seriously, just don't.

7. A lot of these are about Target.

8. There is, at this moment, a T-box sitting in my nearest cupboard, open and ready to go. "Come," it says. "Drink me....."

9. Concert week + race day + Mark's trial = tired me. See, I can do math!

10. Met goals on the race (run first half, finish in under 45). Not so awesome? Getting passed by the 80 year old with the prosthesis.

11. That list of spring cleaning items that Martha provided sure is neat, sitting there on my kitchen counter.

12. Snacks help everything.

13. So does alcohol.

Steps...

Caroline turns one

So typical for the second child. Here it is, two days after her birthday, and I'm finally getting around to posting about it! I am at the moment typing while Sam is engrossed in his Geotrax movie (poor guy has a cold and a fever), and Caroline happily entertaines herself on the floor with a Nerf ball. She's regularly standing up on her own now and we've glimpsed a step or two, but nothing dramatic. She's a very careful little girl - so unlike her brother - and always tests, watches, observes, thinks about...and then she finally tries it. I'm convinced that one day she'll just up and walk across the room.

On the day of her birthday, I woke up early to go for a swim and had some time to reflect while driving in the cold to the pool. I had a lot to digest regarding Caroline's first year.

I was thinking about how gentle Caroline's entry into the world was, how unobtrusive. It was hesitant, too, waiting for just the right moment. She faked me out regularly for about two weeks before she finally decided to come, and even then she took a little break to let me watch Grey's Anatomy the evening I was in labor. Just like her...careful, observant, even thoughtful in a way one wouldn't normally think a baby could be.

I thought about how her infancy will always be tied to losing my mom. Her birth was the very last time my mom would come up to Seattle to visit, although I didn't know it at the time. When she was 5 months, she was a model car passenger and guest on a last family trip to Sunriver. I love looking at the picture our friend Pam took of me laughing with Mom while nursing Caroline. She was so remarkably flexible during our trips up and down I-5 during the fall, and a solid anchor for me to my family when Mom died in October. What is truly amazing, though, is that she has managed to both keep me human and sane during a time in childrens' lives that most parents report feeling exactly the opposite. How this happened, how I was sent the perfect baby for the perfect moment, is nothing short of a miracle to me.

So, Caroline, while I drove to swim and turned all of this over in my head, I saw that the sunrise was coming over the horizon and tinting the scant clouds pink, and the cherry blossoms were just beginning to peek out from their places on the trees. And I realized that every year on your birthday I will remember how no matter how dark and long the winter, spring is coming. There may be a few more cold snaps and surprises, but it's coming just as sure as those blossoms will eventually become flowers. Babies always grow, things always change, trees always bloom, hearts always heal. You have helped me realize that this year. I don't know what I would have done without you.

Sledding day

I've been writing a bit lately about how difficult it has been to mom Sam right now. The tantrums, the testing of boundaries...part of it his intense personality, and part of it is just that he's three (this too shall pass...this too shall pass...). There are times, though, when the urge to sell him on Ebay is not quite so overwhelming.

A few weeks ago, we decided to make the drive up to Snoqualmie and attempt to get a pass for sledding. Since I have the most snow gear, we decided that I'd go with Sam, and Mark would stay with Caroline in the warm lodge. So, Sam and I bundled up and hiked in our boots across the snowy field to pick out our tube and get in line. Snoqualmie has a very well groomed tubing area with about 10 lanes. There's a steep drop and then a long, flat length in each lane. The whole things is about a football field's length.

The first time, we attempted to go together. These tubes are a step up from the ones I used when I was a kid. They have these canvas jacket thingies that zip over them with leather handles, and if you're small enough you can sit right inside the hole in the tube. Suffice to say, I am not small enough. So after one terrifying backwards rocket down the hill with me perched on top of the tube and Sam on my lap, I asked him if he'd like his own tube so he could go by himself. He enthusiastically said yes. So, after I walked by him while he rode up the hill on the rope tow, I helped him pick out his own tube.

One more long wait in line, and we were ready to go. After some pretty specific instructions about hanging on, staying in the tube, etc, I gave him a little push, and off he went. Then, I jumped tummy-down on my tube and rocketed after him head- first.

About halfway down the hill, it became apparent what a little push Sam had gotten compared to my leap onto my tube. I was gaining on him...fast. As he came to a halt at the bottom, I was frantically trying to steer by dragging my feet and yelling, "SAM! STAY IN THE TUBE! STAY IN THE TUBE!" But there was nothing I could do. Bam! I bounced into Sam's tube hard, then spun around, bounced off my tube, and totally wiped out. I frantically turned around to assess the damage...and Sam was laughing. So, I started laughing, too.

"Are you guys ok?" asked the concerned teenager who came down behind us.

"Oh, yeah, we're great!" I laughed.

Back we went to get in line for the tow. At this pace, I thought, we were only going to get one or two more runs in before our time was up. It would be so much faster to just walk up the hill and pull Sam behind me...

It was about 3/4 of the way up that I knew I was in trouble. There was no way my rainboots had the traction for the last incline while pulling 30 lbs of Sam. Rather then see him careen down the hill while toddlers scattered like bowling pins, I asked him if he could get out and walk.

"Mmm-hmm!" He said cheerfully, popping out. So I turned and walked...until I heard a commotion behind me.

I turned around to see Sam sitting on top of a complete stranger in his tube on the rope tow, both of them laughing. He had slid down the hill and right into the 20-something's lap. Both of them thought it was hilarious, and Sam happily rode up the rest of the way, thanking him at the end for the ride.

I don't have much experience with other three year olds, but I know enough to realize that that day could have been a disaster. Another child would have gotten scared about getting hit by another tube, or would have freaked out about suddenly sitting on a stranger's lap. Either event could have been a disaster. A cold, wet, far-from-the-lodge disaster. Instead, Sam has a remarkable gift for taking risks, and for managing to charm his way around sticky situations. He has those qualities in common with some of the most successful adults I know. I only hope that I can remember that, and help him shape and nurture those gifts. Otherwise, keep your eye on Ebay.

Quick! Before I forget...

...a few Christmas moments I want to embed in my brain...

Caroline oohing and ahhing at her new baby doll, especially the blinky eyes.

Sam solemnly saying after seeing a Nerf gun commercial: "I can't have one of those. I'll shoot my eye out."

The complete fog that can only be brought about by 17 hours of preparations followed by Midnight Mass.

Seeing my dad and my brother in the pews at Christmas Day mass, and realizing that once again the four of us are together as a family.

Caroline, after crying when he got near all during Thanksgiving, crawling up on Papa's knee.

Papa, Nick, Pops, Craig, Ana, Alexandra, me, Sam, Caroline and Mark completely overrunning our tiny condo from top to bottom on Christmas Day, and me not caring about the mess.

Being able to put together a (mostly) lovely meal for people I care about.

Hearing "I want that on my Christmas list!" for the last time, at least for a few months.

Remembering that, like labor, Christmas preparations are intense, thankless, painful and arduous when you're in the midst of them. But, when you see the result, not only is it worth it, but you somehow find yourself eager to sign up for it again.

Christmassy Christmas...

Today I am feeling: Tired! Mark’s work party was last night, and I’ve now had my fill of the middle aged overserved dancing to funk. I know everyone complains about the spousal work holiday party, but I was actually looking forward to it, and it didn’t disappoint. I’m sure that’s partially because we have a great babysitter in our rolodex now, and, thanks to my new singing gig, the occasional pocket change with which to pay her. That means that in addition to the party, we have tickets to a show at 5th avenue (thanks, Bob!)for next week, and Mark will actually get to come hear me sing at the Choral Arts concert this weekend. Hooray!

I've also decided that I'm done being sad, for at least a little while. Thanksgiving was tough. It was hard to be in the same places and do the same things with the same people, except for Mom. I know it's going to sneak up on me now and then, of course. Last weekend, for example, we were at a toy store with Pops showing Caroline the dolls (Pops got her one for Christmas..shhh, don't tell), and I got a little sad thinking about how much fun it would have been to tell my mom about her cute reaction to them, and how right about now Mom would be doing all of these girly little firsts with her, like showing her dolls, or looking at Pretty Ponies (my personal obsession, btu we won't go into that). But Pops was there, and wanted to buy a doll, and did instead. I am so grateful that there are people in my kids' lives who are and will step up to the plate in those ways when the time is right.

Exercise: Blah. And again, blah. I went exactly once last week. Since Sam switched to the Tues/Thurs preschool (more on that later), it’s been somehow easier to find other things that just must be done during that time. I’m thinking about just sucking it up and still going M/W/F and paying double childcare for both of them. I know I’ll feel better.

Caroline: Cruising! Pointing! Saying stuff that might be words! In English! And eating. My golly, the girl is an eating machine. She will no longer let me feed her with a spoon and instead prefers to just grab handfuls of mash off the highchair tray and smash it into her face with her little palm. We got weighed again, and although she’s gained well, she’s still in the 25th percentile. Our doc isn’t worried, and said that she’s going to be burning off a lot of fat now that she’s moving around so much, and this just mioght be her new track. So, I’ve got a petite little lady who can really pack it in.

Sam: So, as I alluded to, we’ve switched preschool days. Same preschool, different class. Basically, there were a ton of boys, several older, in the class that were basically riling Sam up, as he tends to get around lots of high-energy kids. I had a fabulous conference with all three of his teachers, and they very nicely suggested that I bring him to both classes in one week so they could more directly compare, and I came and observed, too, on Thursday. He was indeed calmer, and the kids seemed more in line with him developmentally. He’s talked about one of the girls there a bit, so I think he’s made a little friend, too! More completed art projects are coming home, and he’s not a super-crab when I pick him up. All good things.

Sam also just received a letter from Santa. Since I’m assuming that no kids read this blog, I think it’s safe to tell you that Sam wrote a letter and put it in a large envelope, I addressed it to “The North Pole” (actually a post office in Alaska listed on www.usps.com as participating in this program), and then when he went to bed I wrote him a letter from Santa and popped it in an SASE inside this larger envelope and mailed it off to the Alaskans. And darn those nice Alaskans, they postmarked it from the North Pole and sent it right on back to us! Sam was thrilled, and it’s now sitting on our piano in a place of pride.

Projects: Christmassy Christmas things! We have baked lots of cookies, made stockings to hang on the piano (no fireplace,of course), decorated the tree,

In store: Pictures with Santa! I may whisper in Santa’s ear that he should ask Sam if he got his letter....